How-To | Help lawyers get rich and ruin the universe

Did someone say…stupid?


Class action lawsuit

There are good lawyers out there. Seriously. I am sure of it. While I can’t think of any at the moment, I’m sure that there is one.


Since there is one good lawyer, that means that there must also be bad lawyers. And there are bad lawyers…lots of bad lawyers. These are the lawyers who get paid based on the amount of stupid there is in this world.

It burns

There is a lot of stupid

The stupid. It is real. It is real and it burns. It is the one natural resource we have that is in over abundance. The only thing that we can do to kill the stupid is to set it on fire. Unfortunately, whenever you try to set the stupid on fire, there is a damn lawyer hiding in an ambulance ready to class-action sue your ass.

Such are the ways and means of Bronstein, Gewirtz and Grossman LLC…the blood sucking coven of maggots that reside at 60 East 42nd St., in the beautiful city of New York.

The stupid in text

I am going to attempt to be objective here. I really am. But please keep in mind that I am in a lot of pain. Why do you ask? Because my head hurts from all the stupid that the above image has created in my life.

Note that the above lawsuit is spearheaded by someone named Chaim Lerman. Should we dog-pile on Lerman? No. We should not. For Lerman is simply a victim or a phenomenon called, “Predatory Stupid.”

What is Predatory Stupid?

Predatory Stupid is the worst kind of stupid. It is the stupid that is created whenever a lawyer lacks money. The bigger the money deficit is, the more stupid the stupid is. Why is it stupid? Because there are legitimate reasons to sue a company. There are legitimate reasons to sue Apple. But when a lawyer decides he is so broke that he needs to sue a company because he thinks said company has purposefully made a 4 year old cellphone slower by allowing it to upwardly migrate to a newer operating system 50 months after it was released, I have to question that lawyers ability to find his own ass…with both hands.


In the spirit of objectivity I will give you an example of a legitimate reason Apple has been sued: Wifi Assist.

Personally, I like Wifi Assist. I think it’s awesome. It helps you when you wifi connection sucks by drawing data from your data plan vis the GPRS radio. More simply put: When wifi sucks, it switches to your carrier data plan.

Now, while I do not think that Apple purposefully created wifi assist in collusion with the data carriers so ATT, Sprint, Verizon and such could make more money…there are some people that do. And while I do not believe that Apple created wifi assist to trick their customers into having to pay overages from GPRS data use while they are connected to wifi…there are some people that do. People like lawyers…and I use that term ‘people’ very loosely here.

Apple should have really thought about this before the inclusion of the feature. I think they probably thought that people would understand what they were doing when the switch the feature toggle to the ON position.

The assist of wifi

It was obviously created for a better data connection experience. However, something happened. Can you guess what it was?

That is right. The STUPID happened.

But for the sake of objectivity, I will admit that it is quite easy to see why lawyers are going to make money from this. Apple didn’t explain it well enough.

Do you see where it says:

Automatically use cellular when Wi-Fi connectivity is poor.

What should have been there is a 7 page, 50K word disclaimer that Siri should have read aloud….twice….using the slowest speed possible…informing the user that they have to pay for data. Then it should have been followed by some questions like:

Are you sure you want to do this?

And then:

Are you really…really sure?


I know what you are thinking. I missed my calling as a User Experience Engineer. I am always on the thinking throne…thinking of things just like this.

Finally, the How-To

Here is the how-to portion of this how-to.

If you are interested in being a part of this class-action lawsuit, I’m sure there is room for you to place your name below the Mensa spearheading the effort:

Enjoy it


But consider this:

You may get a few bucks…lawyers will get thousands upon thousands. But what you are doing is screwing up the excellent life-cycle support that Apple gives its customers. The iPhone 4S was released in October….of 2011.

If you are interested in operating from a mobile computer ecosystem where the OEM doesn’t support its products past 18 months…please don’t **** things up for the Apple community.

Go buy an Android phone.

That’ll learn ya.


%d bloggers like this: